Monday, August 23, 2010

What's it for?

I worked my butt off this weekend to finish up this round of edits on the book, taking a piece of Saturday and all Sunday afternoon, just plug, plug, plugging away.

Then when I got through with Chapter 25, it was around 6 on a beautiful late-summer day and I closed up my laptop and was feeling really, really accomplished. And I looked around and realized I had nobody to really celebrate with.

I've been so focused on this book, so possessive of the time I need to spend on it and, frankly, so distracted sometimes in situations where I'm not able to focus on it or think about it or talk about it (and I want to talk about it not because I think it will impress anyone, but because it's all I can think about), that I've kinda been a bit of an asshole. Making my bed, as it were.

So the good feeling lasted only a little while, partly because of that realization and partly because another day means another chapter and I'm not sure when I'll be able to really focus on it.

It looks like I may have a bit of reprieve for a few days on the on-site work project, but that's only making me more insistent on getting as much as possible done this week on this other damned project. So I've still got an hour or so of work tonight and I need to get up tomorrow around 5 to do some more, then work all day on it, etc., repeat for the next 4-5 days.

And so tonight I was at Argo cranking away on the client work because it was my only opportunity to be outside today and a friend from the 'hood stopped by. A friend who's been nothing but encouraging and insightful and supportive, but she could tell I was edgy and gritting my teeth and distracted.

So once again, driving people away. And it makes me think, as with past mini-obsessions, like the shows I did and other things I wrote, if it's worthwhile when I look up at the end of the day and realize I've alienated those around me.

I'm very sequential with everything. The way I write, the way I conduct my life. I always think, "I'll take care of this now, and worry about that other stuff later." And you really just can't do that ...

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