Dignity

Yesterday I had the kind of audition experience that will figure prominently in the story someday of why I quit acting.

First, it was one of those last-minute things that I really hate. I'm accustomed to getting a call at 4 pm for a 10 am audition the next day. But I really resent being called the same day, with just two or three hours' notice. So I got called at 10:30 am for a 1:50 audition. I didn't see the breakdowns until a few minutes before I left. And on the way there, 20 minutes before the audition, I got a call saying there actually is a script after all, so be prepared to study up quickly.

But all of that is just a major annoyance. It's just scheduling issues. Somebody at the ad agency dropped a ball or maybe an executive or the client suddenly decided that this had to be done and it had to be done instantly and no one had the balls to reason with him or her and say, "You might get the best choice of actors and the best performances out of them with just a little more notice." Not to mention you could save the casting and talent agencies a lot of needless aggravation. So yeah, just your basic clusterfuck.

No the truly sucky part is what we had to do. On the phone, my agent was rushed because he had a dozen calls to make, so the details were sketchy. The one thing we knew was that I'd have to wear shorts and take my shirt off. Okay, kinda sucky, but whatever. Then when I got the breakdown right before I was supposed to leave, it made it clear that in the actual commercial we'd be running around not only shirtless, but with bras, mini-skirts and high heels on. And I was supposed to be a real "guy's guy -- normal, not too buff or muscular." Once again, yeah, that's me, the guy's guy.

And I seriously pity the poor fat guy who had his own separate description (and thankfully for him, his own separate audition) going into great detail about the type of fat he was supposed to have, down to the shape and appearance of his "breasts."

At that point I'd already accepted the audition, so I went ahead and did it. On the way over, I thought about what I would say if they asked me if I had any problem running around in a skirt and bra on TV. I would have told them that yes, I did have a problem with it. But they didn't ask. So I figured in the unlikely event that I got a callback I'd break it to my agent then. With no apologies. They could say I had a conflict or was sick or whatever, but I wasn't going back in there for that audition.

Seriously, what the fuck? This is not me. It's not what I want to do. And it's no life for a grown adult.